My Personal Toilet Paper Crisis

This whole grocery store situation has been super apocalyptic, and because of it, this morning I caught the holy spirit (for the first time in my life) over some toilet paper.

Two weeks ago, Chris tried to get a leg up on the then possible threat of a TP shortage. He went to the commissary and accidentally bought two packs of paper towels. To his credit, Scott paper towels look exactly like Scott toilet paper at first glance. I wasn't tripping at first because we had about 8 rolls of TP left in the house.

Again, this was close to 2 weeks ago...and things dwindle. I tried to do my best to conserve but I'm a BBW and use more than the average person. This week we were down to 4 rolls. We have 3 bathrooms in the house...so I was starting to feel anxious. Amazon didn't have any TP. We tried ordering them from Instacart and that didn't work either. I really didn't want to wait until Amazon emailed me to say they had toilet paper in stock. I needed some right now. Let's just say I didn't want Aunt Flo to show up and I was unprepared for her visit.

I woke up this morning at 5:30 sweating bullets. At 6AM on the dot, I called the Giant down the street from me and a man named Sean answered the phone. I asked if they had any TP in stock. He said they did, but it wasn't much. If I needed some I would have to come RIGHT NOW. If "say no more, fam" was a person it would have been me at that moment. I practically backflipped out the bed and threw on my best yoga pants and matching running jacket. I knew this was going to be the most exercise I got this week so I had to make it count. I did some stretches and yoga poses to make sure I was limber enough to knock someone over the head for a pack of Charmin (best case scenario) or at worst Scott. Your girl has sciatic nerve issues...I got to stretch before any physical activity, head bussin' included. 👊🏿👊🏿👊🏿😵

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I hop in the whip and floor it all the way to Giant and pull up outside that piece with a SKRRRRRRRT. I didn't even park it. Just left the hazards on and ran inside the store, dressed in all black like an omen. I'm sure people were staring like "who is this fitting to start some mess at 6 in the morning???" 🤔

And I was seriously running ya'll...like Usain Bolt...like that man ran towards Daniel Kaluuya in 'Get Out'...like I saw a group of black people start running so my feet decided to join in. I was wheezing and breathing heavy but I was MOVING. Folks were getting out of my way left and right. Had I ran into someone it would have been a legal tackle.

I made it to the toilet paper aisle and there was one lonely pack of Charmin on the shelf. I almost couldn't believe it. There was nobody else there but me. It was glowing like God had left the night light on for me so I could see it.  I ran for it, grabbed it and squeezed it as tight as I squeezed my husband on our wedding day. Then something hit me. It was like a brick...but if Jesus were the brick. Ya'll might call it the holy ghost. My knees buckled. All of a sudden I was screaming and crying and jumping up and down shouting Jesus and thank you and I couldn't control myself. My wig started sliding and everything! Lace front sitting sideways while I'm shouting and crying in the TP aisle at Giant Foods. People started to stare. I wasn't embarrassed. I was GRATEFUL!!!  🥴

Eventually, I got it together a bit and quick-stepped it over to the meats aisle to find some ground turkey...which they didn't have. The meat aisle is empty. The only items left are literally 4 packs of spicy sausage didn't nobody wanted. On the way to the cash register, I spotted another pack of Charmin at the other end of the toilet paper aisle and I was so grateful because now I had 25 rolls to share between my house and my parents' house.

You've got to be faithful over a few things, everyone! I hope you all are holding up well day 2 into social distancing!   Hopefully, you are in the house with everything you need!